Motherly Humor and Confession

I want to be a “super” mom and be at all the school functions and bake all the perfect treats for school and have the calmest demeanor that exists but that has yet to happen! I have a feeling that it probably won’t and I should just accept the fact that I’m doing the best I can and try harder next year. I’ve compiled a list of things that I have undoubtedly screwed up in my raising my children and some things that I have done as a mother. This is also a possible list of future topics of conversation in a psychiatrist’s office some years down the road when my children have reached adulthood and are lying on that couch retelling the horror that ensued from their deranged mother. Don’t judge me, I'm hard enough on myself.  For those of you that are familiar with a few of these, enjoy!
This list is in no particular order.

• Both of my youngest children fell off of my full size bed by the time they were two months old. No injuries to them, but emotional damage to me.

• I used to overfeed my first child when he was a newborn to the point he would projectile vomit when I tried to burp him. I breastfed him and I never knew exactly how much he was eating so I was afraid he wasn’t getting enough.

• I’ve repeatedly broke the record for sagging diaper to the knees when my boys were toddlers.

• I have, not once but twice, washed a diaper in a load of laundry. There were those gel balls everywhere!

• All bottles were boiled and disinfected for my first child but I only did that for the first month when my second one came along.

• Paci’s that were dropped in the floor got boiled and changed out when my oldest was a baby but when his baby brother came along they just got stuck in my mouth and licked off and put back in his mouth.

• I’ve woke up feeling like I was in a horror movie on more than one occasion with a child that isn’t saying a word but has came in my and my husband’s room and just stood at the end of our bed and stared. It is an awful feeling being woke up because you feel those beady eyes at 3am.


Nice socked feet on Gunner and Hayden was not happy about this guy at all!!



• I had my first sons pictures made every 3 months until he was a year old and then yearly after that but my youngest son only has a hospital picture, a 3 month picture and a 2 year old picture.

• I went in the bathroom to clean it and I had cleaned everything but still smelled urine really strong in the bathroom and finally figured it out. The garbage can was full of pee. When I asked all the boys which one did it my youngest admitted to it. I asked him if there was someone using the toilet and if that was his only option and he said, “No, he just felt like peeing in the trash can” This child was 5 at the time he did this.

• I watched in the rear view mirror of my car the act of my 2 year old feeding my one month old something and when I asked what he was putting in his brother’s mouth he said, “my booger”.  All I could do was cry.

• My oldest son spent so much time in his swing it’s a wonder it didn’t do some kind of damage to his sense of balance.

• When the youngest was 17 months old he woke up from a nap and was completely naked when he came to me in the kitchen and said he peed in his pull-up and needed a new one. I told him to hold on a second and I would get him one because I was on the computer and he came and stood beside me and pooped in the floor. As if that wasn't bad enough I took a picture of him and sent it out to friends and family.  (My Uncle said he didn't know which was worse..the face that the kid had pooped in the floor or the fact that his mom had to take a picture of it.)

• I hate crickets and I call them bastards( I know that's awful, but it's true). My youngest son only in the last year found out that they really are called crickets.  I have since referred to them as crickets.

• I’ve ate more of their Halloween candy than they ever have.

• If there is a parking lot that we have parked in, then my boys have peed in it.

• Ordering Happy Meals is a nightmare. My youngest two children used to give me a run down of exactly how their hamburger should be assembled. It wasn’t good enough to say plain or plain with cheese only. They had to say, “I want a hamburger with meat and cheese and two breads.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually ordered it this way and they’ve asked, “Do you mean a plain cheeseburger?”

• When my husband and I were dating we made a Wal-Mart trip. We were at the checkout and my youngest son was 17 months old and in the seat of the cart while my 3 year old was harassing me for a coke. It was one of those trips where my husband was already in the van with his kids because he couldn’t take it anymore and I had the cart mounded over with stuff and was stressed to the MAX ready to get out of there. I had uttered numerous expletives to myself and some out loud. I gave in to the three year old and got a sprite out of the cooler and took the top off of it and put some in the baby’s sippy and gave the three year old what was left in the bottle. Well for any of you that have ever put a carbonated beverage in a sippy cup you know what happens. It will start fizzing or spraying out the top if it gets shook up. The baby throws his sippy in the floor after one drink and the cup spins in circles spraying sprite the entire time its spinning. There are people getting sprayed in the legs with sprite including me before I can even get to it. At this point I can literally feel my face get red and I’m tempted to just take my kids and leave the cart where it sits, but it’s finally our turn to check out. The sweet naïve teenager that checks me out informs me how her sister never puts carbonated beverages in sippy cups and that her kids don’t even get cokes or sprite. I then informed the teenage girl that after a trip to Wal-Mart (which in itself is a nightmare) and neither one of my children have listened to me and the other two kids have already been taken to the vehicle and one of them spanked and we’ve made two different trips to the bathroom because two of them had to poop and then the whole sprite spraying incident happened I was lucky to have enough sense to fill a check out let alone have to listen to a child tell me how to raise my children and especially someone that did not have any of their own. The girl never said another word.

• One time after a weekend run to go out to eat and to make the DREADED Wal-Mart trip we were getting back on the parkway headed home. There was an elderly couple in front of us and they were poking down the ramp and my husband was in a very big hurry to get home and get out of the van. He has road rage and started cussing the slow moving car and as soon as he could he sped off around them. ( I promise we’re normal people and please don’t refer us to CPS) I was so mad that he had made such a reckless move especially when all the kids were in the van. The more I yelled at him the madder I got and he had a coke in the cup older and I picked it up and sloshed it on his face. It went all over his head all over the roof in the van and all over my 3 year old and 17 month old in the back. The older kids in the very back were laughing because my husband had coke all over him and the younger two in the middle were whining because they had coke on them too. Before I knew what hit me my husband had picked up a 32oz glass of ice water I had drank on on the way up to Bowling Green and threw it on my face. I definitely got the worse end of the deal. There was way more water in that cup than coke in the one I tossed on him. The kids still talk about that and the roof inside the van is still stained with coke.

While this certainly isn’t every area I’ve experienced as a mother or messed up you get the idea. I’m far from perfect and haven’t done everything right or by the book. I love my kids and hope that along with some of the crazy things that they’ll have many good and funny memories of their Momma too.